There are lots of different ways your kitchen can be designed badly so, in a spirit of helpfulness and fun, here are my top ten tips for ensuring terrible design.
- Choose a designer who is very young and preferably someone who hasn’t ever been in a kitchen to do the design. I call this the B&Q Option.
- Go to Howden’s for your kitchen design. This is very simple. Just get your builder, a man who is used to plumbing and bricklaying, to use his trade account to get another man with a thorough knowledge of cement to design your kitchen. What could be better to ensure a design nightmare?
- Plan to have your dishwasher right in a corner thereby ensuring access from only one side of it. This disaster works better if you have wall cabinets in the same corner because you won’t be able to put anything away when you’re emptying the machine.
- You want your oven at eye-level? Right, well make sure you don’t check with the designer as to exactly how high it will be. A height that’s ok for a six foot bloke doesn’t always work so well if the cook is five feet tall.
- Following on from Rule 4, if you’re planning a microwave above the oven, you really do need to not check about the height of anything. Any checking might mean averting a planning disaster and that’s not the point of this blog
- Plan your hob to be right up against the side of a wall or next to a fridge. Lack of sufficient space both sides of the hob is a double disaster. Full marks to anyone achieving that.
- Plan to have the tall cabinets in your kitchen at maximum height but the wall cabinets less than standard height. What you end up with are wall cabinets which are almost useless unless you’re seven feet tall. It’s a very amusing design disaster unless you’re the person who has to live with it, I suppose.
- Ensure your designer forgets to include something you wanted in your new kitchen. This is easily achieved if you can find a designer who doesn’t listen to you, who simply forgets or who doesn’t ask you the right questions in the first place. You’ll have so much other stuff to think about (especially if you’re doing other renovations), it won’t be your fault if the kitchen comes without that extra small fridge you really wanted.
- Choose a floor covering in exactly the same colour and finish as your new doors. This disaster works best with a wood effect door. The overall effect will be over-powering and hilarious for your friends.
- Lastly, a general rule for terrible design is to get your design done very quickly and decide on it instantly. Maybe you could get someone ’round to sell… I mean design and sell you a kitchen on the same night. This is often an excellent idea especially if there is an offer for 90% off a very high unspecified amount which happens to end the night the salesman visits.
I hope this list is helpful. Please let me know if you have any more suggestions for design disasters. There are loads more of them out there just waiting to be incurred by the unsuspecting buyer…..